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Your team: Buffalo Bills Your 2012 record: 6 after a 2 start. Every year, the Bills win one game early, and that one win-even if it’s against a opponent-is enough to turn every dumbfuck Bills fan into Ron Jaworski. I TELL YOU WHAT I REALLY LIKE THE BUFFALO BILLS I THINK THEY HAVE A TO BE OUTSTANDING TEAM THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. It takes virtually nothing to sucker these people. They are the lab rat that keeps getting shocked by the electrified cheese. Your coach: Doug Marrone, who went 25 as the head coach of Syracuse before getting this job. he’s like a less-impressive Schiano. OH GOODY. Please note that you can sidestep any criticism of your won-loss record if you simply convince people that you are offensive guru of some sort. Marrone’s biggest claim to fame is Ty Lawson Jersey riding Sean Payton and Brees’ coattails for a few seasons, which totally makes him a MASTERMIND. reality, he was average head coach with average record at a below-average football school a sport that is rigged to essentially GIVE you three to four cupcake wins per.

That’s what you’re getting, Buffalo. he was offensive genius at Syracuse? You as well say he was offensive genius at fucking badminton. Your quarterback: Tuel. THE UNDRAFTED JEFF TUEL OH GOD THIS IS WILLING TO WORK HARD. Think about how desperate you have to be at QB to start Tuel, sign Leinart, and trade for. Why trade for when you can make your own out of felt and ‘s Glue? We haven’t even made it to the regular yet and already the Bills have already seen one of their QBs have surgery and another end his career. Because that’s what happens if you’re a QB and you go to Buffalo: your life ends. Of course, Tuel, Leinart, and are all stopgap solutions for the Bills, who are waiting for first round draft pick EJ to get healthy again. Take it from someone who roots for the NFC’s equivalent of the Bills: Reaching the first round for injury-prone State QB rarely works out. Seeing perform well the preseason represents the best part of the Bills 2013. We’ve already passed the summit. Nothing but Tuel and empty bottles of LaBatt Blue for the next four months. Your fantasy player everyone hate:. Fuck with a jackhammer. Why your team sucks: The Gailey years already seem far away, like a personal tragedy that doesn’t feel real anymore. Did that happen? How could that have happened? Maybe it didn’t happen. It couldn’t have happened. Gailey coaching your team for three years? That’s just absurd. Here is the worst part: the Gailey years were orchestrated by Nix, who is 4,000 years old. The Bills went 16 the past three seasons. Any sane NFL franchise would have shitcanned Nix ages ago. But you know what the Bills did? They let Nix retire, and turned everything over to his fucking hand-picked successor. Confident he’s put place a foundation capable of turning the Buffalo Bills into a winner, Nix called this the right time to step down as general manager on Monday. Do you know how fucking insane that is? The Bills are a DISASTER. They’re barely NFL franchise anymore. And yet, here’s Nix his cowboy hat clicking his boots together and being like,. You didn’t do anything, Amarillo Slim! You hired Gailey! You gave HORRIBLE contracts to Fitzpatrick and ! YOU ARE THE FUCKING WORST. How can the franchise tolerate this? I’ll tell you how: Because owner is a dying, confused old who hires underlings strictly on the basis of whether or not they’ll bring flowers to his bedside. It’s lunacy. I’m not even a Bills fan, and yet I feel horrible for them. They root for a nursing home that should be burned to the fucking ground. They are organization that perfectly embodies the lifeless, fallow, economic hellscape that is New. The reason that Bills fans are delusional about their team’s chances, and the reason they threaten to cut you if you dare attempt to manage their expectations, is because false is all they have. If they’re forced to admit that the Bills are utterly hopeless, what is there for THEM? It’s just validation that their lives were empty and meaningless and that living Buffalo is like living inside Amish cave. That’s why they have to rep the #BILLSMAFIA hashtag. Why your team doesn’t suck: I have C.J. Spiller keeper league and he’s awesome and NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY KEEP HIM FROM GAINING 2 TOTAL YARDS SHUT IF YOU THINK OTHERWISE. The nine worst Bills ever: 1) JP Losman 2) Maybin. Zero sacks. That’s a perfect game! 3) Nix 4) Edwards. When considering the delusional qualities of Bills fans, just know that they were REALLY excited for Edwards. Unreasonably. 5) 6) O.J. Simpson.